Western New England College's Peer Mentoring Program for Aspies, Part II

Hello,

Now, we'll hear from Krysten Langone, MA, Assistant Director of Western New England College (WNEC)'s Office of Student Disability Services. Ms. Langone plays a leading role in WNEC's Peer Mentoring Program for Students On the Autism Spectrum (please see the bottom half of that page). She speaks as an instructor.

Q: What do you think are the most important challenges that NT classmates of Aspie college students face in dealing with them? What about NTs associating with Aspies in a variety of settings after graduation?

A: From the perspective of a Freshman Composition instructor, I think that one of the main challenges I have witnessed that NT students face when interacting with Aspie students in a classroom setting, is misinterpreting an Aspie student’s actions and/or comments during class discussion and/or group work.

I think that it can be very easy for an NT student to misinterpret an Aspie student’s difficulty with initiating group contact as a lack of interest in participating as an active member of the group. When group interaction does occur, I think that other misinterpretations can occur, such as, taking an Aspie student’s comments as a carrying a tone of arrogance and/or superiority. I also think that NTs can be caught off guard by some of the comments that Aspie students can make during group interaction and during class discussion.

Many times, an Aspie student’s comments can be interpreted by NT students as being very off the cuff, off topic or unrelated to the content of the class. I also believe that NT students can feel as though an Aspie student’s comments can have a pessimistic tone at times.

I think that these misinterpretations create a sense of confusion for NT students in how to react or interact with Aspie students. Thus, preventing the NT students from trying to interact with the Aspie students unless absolutely necessary, and even then, they may do so reluctantly or with some hesitation. These misinterpretations and scenarios certainly spill over into any life arena.

Q: You are quite right when you say that Aspies should understand how NTs can misinterpret what they do and say. What are the most important and/or the most common ways in which NTs can misinterpret Aspies' statements and actions?

A: I have noticed many times in the classroom setting where NT’s roll their eyes or snicker when an Aspie student makes a remark during class discussion. This usually happens because the Aspie student is quite vocal in the classroom, but isn’t always following the train of thought behind the discussion, thus, causing their comment to seem quite off base. I can see that the NT students begin to view this Aspie student as “off the wall” or a “little wacky” due to the confusing content of the Aspie’s remarks.

Also, I have experienced an Aspie student try to make sense of what the class is talking about by putting it into a context that they can understand by relating it to something that makes sense for them, like comic books or fantasy video games. When this happens, I can see the NT’s immediately place this Aspie student into a stereotyped block of the “stoner gamer”, who they view as someone who has no real sense of what is going on in the world. Of course, this unfortunately leads to the Aspie student being viewed as someone who doesn’t need to be listened to or taken seriously.

On the flip side, I have experienced Aspie students being seen as “know it alls” or “brown noser’s,” due to their insightful comments and extreme attention to detail. There is a student in my course at the moment who is very bright and picks up on the subtle nuances of the literature we are discussing far more quickly and deeply than most of his classmates. He is always quick to answer questions in class that receive positive acknowledgement from me. His classmates will roll their eyes when they see his hand go up and hear me call on him.

This student has no trouble speaking up in class, but, has a very hard time working in groups. When I assign group work in class, he doesn’t move to go sit with the individuals that I have asked him to work with and these other students will not go to him.

I know that the NT students seem this Aspie student as viewing himself too good for them and not wanting to waste time working in a group when he can do a better job by himself. They see this as arrogance.

While, the Aspie student has admitted seeing no value in the group work because he could just as easily complete it himself, this is not why he isn’t going to work with the people that I have asked him to work with. He is completely unsure and uneasy about having to be a part of a small group that he has no prior knowledge of. He doesn’t know how to begin except for beginning the work on his own.

Also, he will often monopolize my time when we are in the writing lab one day a week to work on essays, because he wants to make sure he is getting every idea right and that every sentence he writes is correct.

The NT students recognize that I am working with him quite a bit and can sometimes view this student as trying to “suck up” to the teacher, rather than see it in a positive light that he is taking advantage of the opportunity for my immediate feedback, unlike most of the NT students who are checking their email or Facebook instead of working on their essays.

Q: What things do you believe are most important for Aspies to understand about the NT world, and what adjustments do you think it’s most important for them to make?

A: I think it very important that Aspies become aware of how NTs misinterpret them and why. This can be such a valuable thing for Aspies to know during college and even more so after college and upon entering the work force. I believe that once Aspies become aware of how some NTs view their actions or comments, and how this view effects how NTs interact or don’t interact with Aspies, that Aspies will be able to gain more confidence in social settings.

Q: Conversely, what things do you believe are most important for NTs to understand about Aspies, and what things could NTs do that would be most helpful for building good relationships with Aspies?

A: This is directly related to my answer above. NTs have got to be able to be comfortable with taking the initiative in getting to know and interact with Aspies in academic, social and professional settings. They also must understand that some of their everyday social initiative techniques are not always going to be met with the same response from Aspies that they may receive from NTs. NTs must learn to be patient with themselves and understand that the frustration they may feel when trying to interact with Aspies shouldn’t prevent them from continually trying.

Q: You have a very good point when you say that NTs should keep trying to reach out to Aspies. What specific challenges should NTs prepare themselves for in the process? What characteristics of Aspies should they keep in mind?

A: I guess something that I didn’t quite think about before is that an NT is going to have no idea that a person they know from class, work or any other setting, has Aspergers, unless this person is aware them self or wants to divulge that information.

One thing that needs to be made clear is that we as a people need to become more educated and accepting of all individuals, whether they may or may not fall on the spectrum. Just because one doesn’t receive the response from an individual that they were expecting means that qualifies the individual to give up or write that person off.

We all just need to be more patient, kind and open minded. We need to not assume that because a person seems to be avoiding social interaction that they are anti-social or conceited or anything else. We have to stop jumping to conclusions, slow down and accept people for who they are, not what we expect them to be.

[All emphases added]

---

Aspies and NTs alike need to listen carefully to Ms. Langone, as she describes the classroom dynamics that can ensue if mutual misunderstandings are allowed to persist.

Among other things, Aspies need to dispel notions that:

• We think we're superior to the other people around them,

• We don't like other people in general,

• We only think about a narrow range of things, like video games or model airplanes,

• We are pessimistic,

• We don't listen to others (a possible interpretation for our missing the undertones of conversations) and

• We just want to suck up to the teacher or the higher-ups (an ironic impression, given how bluntly we Aspies can express ourselves, including to those in authority, but an importamt impression nonetheless).

At the same time, NTs should avoid jumping to conclusions. If someone avoids group activities or keeps asking the teacher lots of questions, for example, there are reasons for this other than snobbishness or brown-nosing, respectively.

In fact, that's true for NTs as well as Aspies. Even if everyone on the autism spectrum was cured tomorrow, people would misunderstand each other often enough to keep sitcoms a going concern.

So, many of the ways in which we can accommodate Aspies now, such as looking for alternative ways to interpret unusual behavior, speaking more directly and honestly and making our own motives and desires more transparent, are also good ways to accommodate each other.

What do you think?

Western New England College's Peer Mentoring Program for Aspies, Part I

Hello,

It's April - National Autism Awareness Month.

Also, if you're a high school senior (at least in the U.S.), you've probably just gotten your college admission decisions and you're deciding where you'll go.

You don't need me to tell you that it's a tough decision. If you're an Aspie, maybe we can make your decision a little easier.

Western New England College (WNEC), like most colleges, has an Office of Student Disability Services (SDS - yes, those initials have a new meaning on today's college campuses). Unlike most colleges, it has a well-regarded Peer Mentoring Program for Students On the Autism Spectrum (there's another program, for students with AD/HD, described on the top half of the same page).

The three program leaders, SDS Director Dr. Bonni Alpert, SDS Assistant Director (and WNEC alum) Krysten Langone, MA, and Assistant Professor of Psychology (and Certified School Psychologist) Dr. Ava Kleinmann, so graciously agreed to spare a good bit of their scarce time and energy answering my questions. Their professionalism is a credit to WNEC.

Today, I'm going to present Professor Kleinmann's views. In the next part of our series, I will present Ms. Langone's perspective, and after that I will culminate the series with Dr. Alpert. Professor Kleinmann is an experienced school psychologist, and she speaks from a therapeutic perspective.

Q: What do you think are the most important challenges that NT classmates of Aspie college students face in dealing with them? What about NTs associating with Aspies in a variety of settings after graduation?

A: One of the major challenges in the college setting is communication. This can manifest in a number of ways from peer staff (eg RAs) having to repeat certain rules to working together on group projects for class. Group work is commonly cited as a challenge for college students, and this is magnified when one of the group members has difficulties with a variety of social and executive functioning skills. NT classmates have reported frustration when there is a lack of follow through from classmates on things as basic as returning a phone call or completing a simple task that was delegated to them.

There are also subtle behaviors that can be challenging for NT classmates to interpret including inappropriate eye contact or excessive politeness. A related challenge is that at our institution the students on the spectrum have chosen not to disclose their status to many peers, which can make for unrealistic expectations by NT classmates.

Assisting students on the spectrum with their transition out of postsecondary education is another important goal of the program. The first step is to support students in making it through some of the proximate challenges encountered every day from social relationships to schoolwork.

In the workplace, efforts should be made to best support the person on the spectrum, which may include setting up a job coach, to matching a job to their interests/skills, and helping the employer to see the benefit of hiring someone with an AS diagnosis. A lack of understanding of the needs and special skills of individuals on the spectrum can lead to difficulties similar to those encountered in college.

Q: What qualities have you found most important in a peer mentor?

A: Our program is comprised of highly motivated, talented and mature students seeking out the didactic and clinical experiences offered through the Asperger’s Peer Mentoring Program. Those mentors who model the same behaviors that are often goals for students with Asperger’s Syndrome are particularly well suited to be mentors.

One of the goals of the program is to teach students on the spectrum a variety of social, problem solving, and executive functioning skills critical to the college environment and beyond. This skills set should already be fairly well developed in the mentors based on successful completion of some of the college career. This in addition to consultation with doctoral level supervisors will allow them to support and serve as positive role models throughout participation in the program.

It is also expected that the mentors adhere to the highest ethical standards and we use the APA [American Psychological Association] code of conduct which is the standard for practicing psychologists. Exercising good clinical judgment, seeking assistance from the team, and utilizing problem-solving skills are all important qualities of mentors that are further cultivated through their experience in this program.

Q: How have peer mentors generally developed and challenged themselves during their service?

A: The challenges that the peer mentors have encountered have been as diverse as the opulation that’s been served. Some of the mentors have reported being challenged by altering the expectations for the nature of the interactions they have with students on the spectrum.

They have also been challenged by having dynamic goals based on changing mentees and changing circumstances in that person’s life. For example, an initial goal of having a mentee approach professors appropriately and independently may be substituted for a goal of developing prerequisitie skill of self-monitoring and problem identification.

Peer mentors have also developed a unique personal perspective on working with these peers, which has challenged their preconceived notions and at times their patience. An additional challenge has been training mentors to become student clinicians, which involves writing in clear, objective, and nonjudgmental behavioral terms while maintaining records and assisting
assessments.

Q: That's quite interesting, looking at what the peer mentors have faced. In what ways would you say peer mentors are better people at the end of their service than at the beginning?

A: Some of the mentors have reported the unexpected benefit of learning more from their mentees than perhaps they were able to share themselves. As each semester of the peer mentoring program progressed mentors expressed changing their expectations and realizing that what they got out of the experience was more than they could have ever expected.

In terms of actual skills mentors improve writing skills, develop some proficiency with the use of psychological assessments, and have a much better understanding of the autism spectrum, social skills training and clinical work in general.

Some of them have gained insight into their own behaviors by being placed in the position of describing, analyzing and assisting with the development of various behaviors in the students they work with.

Q: Do you think peer mentors should in some cases have the ability to give some rewards or even punishments, such as free tickets to events for meeting a goal, or extra required educational sessions - perhaps at some expense to the mentee - for failing to meet a goal or for some kind of inappropriate behavior? To what extent do you feel behavior modification should be a part of mentoring?

A: The peer mentors do give rewards and punishments to the mentees, but perhaps these are not as programmed as they would be in traditional applied behavior analysis.

Mentors give in vivo, natural feedback to their mentors, but this is changing as the skills and needs of the mentees change and are better understood/defined, and as the therapeutic relationship progresses. Mentors are trained to look for natural opportunities to provide social praise, which could be as simple as thanking the person for showing up on time for a scheduled meeting.

Administering natural punishment is also recommended but should be mild, direct, and should be used to teach something. For example, when a mentor lets a mentee know the consequences of starting a meeting late or missing a meeting (eg the fact that if interrupts the mentor's schedule, can be frustrating etc) they are providing that person with valuable and constructive feedback that might not otherwise be delivered in a constructive, therapeutic manner.

Of course the extent to which these consequences for behavior are delivered are carefully discussed in the context of supervision meetings and clinical judgment is something that is being cultivated in the mentors. Our program used a variety of therapeutic approached with the mentors and mentees, but behavioral technologies including both antecedent strategies and positive consequences are central to effective service delivery.

Presently contrived rewards and punishments are not part of the program. Because the program strives to provide social skills training, support etc in vivo it is delivered in as natural a way as possible. Certainly introducing more programmed consequences is an option but is not currently a component.

I could see how using rewards such as coupons to the campus center or tickets to events in the area would be helpful. However, the use of punishments might not be the best route to go because while punishment may serve to suppress undesired behavior it does not increase target behaviors or really teach any new skills.

Q: More broadly, how do peer mentors best give feedback to mentees? Do they need to be more blunt than when talking to fellow NTs?

A: As mentioned previously being direct, specific, and giving that feedback as soon as possible is likely to have the best impact. Many individuals with Asperger’s have some difficulty interpreting the subtleties of language from tone to the nonverbal aspects of communication. Mentors are instructed to be clear and direct, but also look for natural opportunities to teach about the various shades of gray that exist with language and communication.

Sometimes being “blunt” may not have the desired effect, which is why a careful balancing of the therapeutic relationship with the need to provide that feedback is something that needs to constantly be evaluated.

Q: To what extent - if any - do you feel that Aspies can be successful peer mentors? What particular challenges and assets could Aspies bring to that role?

A: Great question. Many of our mentees have been highly successful at demonstrating a broader range and more appropriate social skills in a variety of contexts. They have provided valuable feedback to the program when "debriefing" about the experience to the SDS director.

If a student is motivated, interested, and willing to put in the work they would certainly be in a unique position to work with peers and share their own experiences if necessary. Certainly many of the same challenges that exist when working with NT mentors would also potentially be present with Aspie mentors, particularly since this is a new experience.

In particular, navigating the unclear areas of the therapeutic relationship as a mentor - but not officially a clinician - would be challenging since it’s impossible to anticipate every possible judgment issue to preteach problem solving strategies.

Q: What should mentees be prepared to do to make the mentoring relationship work?

A: That’s a tough question because it depends on so many factors, including what the mentor and mentee each bring to the table and what their expectations might be. Because these expectations can change throughout the course of the relationship communication about changing needs, challenges, etc is crucial.

Of course the complexity of this task is compounded by the existence of communication differences that already exist. Having realistic, achievable goals and being flexible in those goals is certainly an important component. Getting those out in the open early on is also important instead of making assumptions about what is important to each party.

This might be accomplished by creating a written yet dynamic “contract” about each party’s responsibility. Being able to make the time commitment to meet regularly and stay in touch is also important and this is where the mentors take the lead to get everyone on the same page.

---

Dr. Kleinmann made some notable points. I will just highlight a few:

• In particular, while Dr. Kleinmann is not categorically against "artificial" incentives in a mentoring program, she feels that the best approach relies on natural consequences, including natural, real-time opportunities to reinforce desired behaviors. She believes that teaching general social skills and ways of thinking, not narrowly conceived behaviors, is most important, and that contrived punishments are ineffective because they only discourage undesired behaviors without pointing the way to better ones.

• Dr. Kleinmann also believes that the peer mentoring relationship is to some extent also therapeutic. While doubtlessly she would not hesitate to have a peer mentor refer, say, a suicidal mentee to appropriate professionals, she does hold mentors to the standards of ethics expected of therapists. Also, while on the one hand Aspies may need to be told things more directly, even bluntly, than do NTs, she also believes that therapeutic considerations require limits on how mentors get their points across.

• Aspies can certainly be peer mentors, too, as long as they can put in the time and effort. Aspie mentors will need to be able to exercise enough judgment to work well in a therapeutic setting, since not everything can be pre-taught. Scripts will only go so far.

• For NT and Aspie mentors, the experience can be quite rewarding. For example, mentors can improve their communication and clinical skills and even learn more about themselves. While Dr. Kleinmann does not mention career implications, her views suggest that the experience can be especially good for future teachers, therapists and others - especially (but not only) if they might like to work with people on the autism spectrum.

• Dr. Kleinmann also makes clear both that (1) NTs need to understand AS so as not to misinterpret unusual behavior on Aspies' part and (2) Aspie behavior, such as showing up late or even not at all for scheduled meetings, can be legitimately frustrating to NTs.

What do you think?

Mentorship Musts

Hello,

Scott Greenfield, an interesting lawyer, has some words of advice for new lawyers. Among other things (including a dispute with a new lawyer marketing practice), he discusses mentorship. Potential and current mentees in general - but especially Aspies and autists - should pay very close attention to what he says here:

The first failing of mentoring is that you need continuous and reliable supervision. Mentors are there to help you out when they can, meaning that they have their own lives and work, and you only get as much of their busy day as they are willing to give you. Trust me, you do not come before their children. Maybe not even close acquaintances. You may be the center of the universe to yourselves, but you may not be to the mentor, and they are not prepared to sacrifice their lives and times to convenience you.

The [mentee] has a million questions. Answering a million questions takes up a lot of time. This is time that could otherwise be spent by the mentor earning money and representing clients. Something has to give. Guess who that something will be.

Second, the mentor may be supportive, but supportive isn't necessarily honest. Someone has to tell you when you screw up. Someone has to tell you that you blew it . Someone has to tell you if you don't have what it takes. But whoever that someone is, you're not going to like it (even if you think now that you will appreciate it) and you will turn on them. The mentor has no reason to invite your angst. The mentor is doing you a favor, and while she may be happy to help, she isn't happy to argue the point.

Similarly, when there are too many questions, demands, issues, DRAMA, the mentor may quietly slip away, appeasing you by agreement while dying to get off the phone or avoid that cup of coffee. You may need answers. The mentor doesn't need headaches. Your needs and the mentor's needs are not coterminous, but you won't see it until the mentor refuses to take your calls anymore.

So if mentoring is so fraught with issues, why do I recommend it? Because there aren't any other options, and as much as it may be flawed, it's better than nothing. If the [mentee] bears these failings in mind, and conducts themselves within appropriate limits, it will facilitate the benefits of mentoring without invoking the problems. Of course, it's not easy for a [mentee] to perform such a metacognitive assessment, or to recognize other people's limits until it's too late.

Also, a mentor who is not very busy is the equivalent of the proverbial cobbler whose children go barefoot and the proverbial chef who's out to lunch. There are many more people who would love to run their mouths and tell other people how to run their lives than there are people who actually know what they are talking about. And the latter is not even a subset of the former - at most there's some overlap.

I'll just share a bit of my experience; keeping in mind the distinction I just made, if you've had good results doing something else - congratulations!

• Good mentors need significant life experience. They don't need to be much older than you. But people who haven't had serious crises in their lives yet (a bad breakup or two, parents or other close relatives divorcing, recovery from an emotional or physical disorder or violent crime, the need to support oneself or at least have a job on which one has had conflicts and learned something, rethinking one's major or career choice, that kind of thing) simply don't have the perspective to help you.

• Humility is essential. On the one hand, the mentor, by definition is not your equal. On the other hand, a mentor with ego problems and no sense of the limits to one's competence is a frightening thing indeed. Look for a mentor who's willing to occasionally say things like "As far as I know...but I could be mistaken since I haven't done that much," "A better person to ask would be...," - and especially "I made just that mistake, back when...." That last also shows the mentor takes responsibility for one's own life. Don't take on a mentor who always explains one's own conflicts and problems in terms of what the other person did.

• Along these lines, the value of a given piece of advice is not necessarily related, and sometimes may be inversely related, to the eagerness with which it's offered. Truly humble people hesitate to tell others what to do, recalling their own errors and misjudgments. Everyone wants to influence others to some extent, and a good mentor wants to make a difference in your life for the better. But you need a good competence:will to power ratio in your mentor.

• Perhaps mentors can be friends, but they should be people with at least a bit of detachment. For one thing, someone who likes you too much (or senses the reverse) is going to be reluctant to tell you the hard stuff, like Mr. Greenfield said above. For another thing, people who feel that close to you can more easily turn on you if you've offended them - or their friends or associates - enough. A more detached person will be more likely to give you a heads-up in time since one doesn't emotionally turn on the proverbial dime.

• You don't need to tell your mentor everything, but do be absolutely honest in what you do say. That's less of a problem for us, but it bears noting. For one thing, trust lost is likely lost forever. For another thing, the mentor should know if you're an Aspie or autist. That way, one will know to turn up the honesty meter on you - and thus not to assume that a hint missed was a hint deliberately ignored. One can interpret many of your behaviors better, too.

• If the mentor suggests doing something that you have difficulty with, respond that you'll give it careful consideration. And do just that. If you've seriously thought it over and still can't or won't do it, explain the situation. And such situations should be few and far between. Otherwise, there's a problem of one sort or another. And that problem may very well be your self-overestimation.

• Last but not least, mentors need to be reasonable successes in their own lives. This goes back to the cobbler and the chef. They don't need to have been class valedictorian, Phi Beta Kappa, Harvard grads at the age of 20 with their own multi-million-dollar businesses whose names are household words and who have different dates every night. But people who can't help themselves are in no position to help others. Someone who can't hold down a job (and who isn't too old or disabled to work), whose schedule outside (or even inside) of class is as wide open as the Grand Canyon, who has no close friends or family, and/or is a nonrecovering alcoholic or drug abuser, likely is worth one thing to you - an excellent example of how not to live your life. At arm's length and preferably beyond.

Meanwhile, here's a mentor-in-a-book: Ben Stein's How to Ruin Your Life. His views on evolution and other things may be controversial - his life credentials are not. Also check out this commentary. (After I finished the book, I wondered if Mr. Stein had researched it by examining my life - a feeling which no doubt many readers have shared.)

What do you think?

Honesty is the Best Policy

Hello,

You may recall I noticed an article about the pitfalls of passive-aggressive pussyfooting.

I recently saw an example of the positive side of the lesson. Ann Marsh, in "What I Learned from Dating 100 Men," shows how she learned how liberating honesty can be - for her and her suitors:

I needed to be honest in a new way. In my 20s, when the wrong man asked me out, I usually lied. I was either (a) busy, (b) dating someone else, or (c) moving to Siberia for a year. Sensing my fib, some men refused to let go. A few talked me into dates or, worse, relationships. I marvel to think I left the nest without ever learning how to verbalize my own needs and desires.

One of my earliest electronic dates taught me about honesty. "It was really nice to meet you," the tall, good-looking athlete wrote me in an e-mail after Date Number Two, "but I didn't feel that indescribable something that would tell me we're a match."

I sat there looking at my computer screen. He had found the words to describe my own sentiments. I didn't feel rejected. I felt liberated by his courage. Better yet, I stole his line.

A handsome telecommunications executive I met over a drink at a restaurant one evening looked and sounded far less alluring to me a few days later in the sober light of day. In a subsequent telephone conversation, my whole body tensed while I told him that I didn't get the sense he was the right one and that I didn't want either of us to waste precious time. I wished him well. He sounded a little startled. But the discomfort was short-lived. We were both free.

It's embarrassing to admit that I was learning the very basics about personal boundaries at the age of 34. But it was also a thrill. Like a suit of comfortable, lightweight body armor, my newly declared boundaries kept me safe.

(Emphases added.)

A few tips for keeping it nice:

• The sooner the better, before he's built up expectations and made more plans - and before you've made false declarations of loyalty which would make you feel foolish afterwards (and perhaps bound to disavow forcefully).

• Whenever possible - which it isn't always - avoid attacking what the other person did. If you can, put it in the first person singular: "I just don't feel that match."

• When it's not possible, or when the other person is doing or saying things that you feel would hurt him with other people too, and you genuinely want to help him see that, stick to the facts. Make as few assumptions as possible about his motives or plans. Stick to what he does and how it affects you and may affect others. For example, "On multiple occasions, you've screamed loudly at me when I pointed out a problem. Disagreeing is one thing - screaming is quite another." In that case, your rejecting him may be the best thing that ever happened to him.

• In that kind of situation, whenever possible (as opposed to, say, a black eye or something equally serious), give him a fair chance to mend his ways, including a specific heads-up about the particular problem behaviors, before severing the relationship.

• Stick to the situation at hand. If you don't want to date or befriend someone, that's one thing - keep it at that. Forget any hypothetical scenarios involving, say, his drowning and your being the only person around. Hopefully you would throw him a life preserver instead of an anvil anyway, if it came to that. Also, his ancestors, pets and other associates probably did not cause you any problems and certainly needn't be referenced or otherwise involved.

Especially in sticky situations, honesty (generally) is the best policy. People most often don't want to be honest because they're afraid of hurting the other person. As we've seen, honesty - without brutality - is most often the kindest course of action not only for you, but also the person you're rejecting.

What do you think?

"Your Dad Arrested Me Last Night!"

Here's a quick SlateV interview with Shauna Peck, a (presumably NT) daughter of an Aspie. As she described him, he - like many Aspies - tends to see the world in black-and-white terms. He was a state trooper - and he issued many more tickets than the average trooper.

The average NT trooper would presumably have let many incidents go due to extenuating circumstances or a simple desire not to make trouble for someone who obviously (to the NT trooper, that is) wasn't a hardened criminal. For that matter, if I were a state trooper or a similar official, I could see myself ticketing or arresting many people whom others would let go.

In my case, the way I was treated by some of my classmates and even a few teachers has left me with a burning desire to see wrongdoers punished. Fairly treated and given all the due process possible, to be sure - but if found guilty, punished. Now, would my history have made them feel better about it if they felt I should have overlooked their peccadillos?

Law enforcement work may appeal to some Aspies, who like the structure and the legal and enforcement parts of it. It may also give them a feeling of power, which may have become precious to them after years of bullying by other children - not to mention people in authority too.

Getting back to Ms. Peck: while she was in high school, occasionally she would run into a classmate whom her father had recently arrested, and she found it humiliating.

The Aspie was also an abusive husband and father (to the point that the neighbors knew about it), and Ms. Peck hated him...until she was able to write him a Father's Day letter forgiving him. He received the letter, but they never really discussed it - he may not have been able to grasp many of the emotional implications. But their relationship improved for her after that.

This man was darned lucky not to lose his job or his family.

Here's a cautionary tale. If you're an Aspie and you have responsible work and/or a family, you're ahead of the game already. Do whatever you can to make sure your weaknesses don't alienate the people you depend on for your daily bread, respectability, companionship and other important things. Don't mistake your rice bowl for a chamberpot, in other words.




(The video starts with a brief ad and then goes to the interview itself. The entire video is completely SFW. Disclaimer: Emily works part-time for one of the component parts of the conglomerate that includes Slate, but she has nothing to do with this or any other SlateV video.)

What do you think?

A Trunk-ful of Tough Truths

Penelope Trunk is a hard-hitting career advisor, and she really seems to know her stuff.

Including why good social skills are vital in both the boardroom and the bedroom. Ms. Trunk's young son is brilliant - and an Aspie. And she knows her son - with all his brains - needs social skills and other interventions if he's to have even close to the same chance at a happy work and personal life that his less-well-endowed NT peers will likely enjoy as a matter of course.

Ms. Trunk has a wake-up call - "Stop thinking you'll get by on your high I.Q" - for smart Aspies and their families. She doesn't mince words for those of us who, after all, don't get hints. A representative sample of her approach:

Social skills are [one of the most important factors] in whether you succeed or fail. I link to this research all the time, but frankly, if you need research to understand that the people who are best at office politics succeed at the office, then you are missing basic social cues already.

...

Notice that most [skills needed in the workplace] are independent of intelligence. Smart is [not] an endgame...and the standard for ability to work well with others is only getting higher, not lower: Generation Y is more team-oriented than prior generations.

...

I'm going to tell you something harsh: If your career is stuck, it's probably because of poor social skills.

...

Hold it. Did you just say, "If people don't like me maybe it's their fault!" Forget it. People with good social skills can get along with just about everyone.

...

[People who] have poor social skills will not likely find a place for themselves. We can talk about playing to people's strengths, but that only works to the degree that companies have a need for those strengths.

The super smart are generally number crunchers and fact-mavens. But a computer can do that today. And any problem that needs solving in a room with the door closed does not need to be solved for high U.S. salaries - the job can be offshored. I think it's a big mistake to think that whatever our strengths and weaknesses are there is a place for us in this world. It just isn't true.

Most of us need to be able to hold down a job that supports us. And we all want to be in a healthy, intimate relationship with someone. Not all strengths and weaknesses allow for this, and if they don't, we need to change.

Some of us need to change a bit in order to fit in. It's the truth about being inherently social beings.

...

(All hyperlinks in original.)

In short: If you're an Aspie or autist - or for whatever other reason just have difficulty getting along with people - your problem - and the best person to solve it - are both right in the mirror.

It may not be fair that we have such difficulty with things like reading facial expressions or tones of voice or handling multiple stimuli at once, that many people have what we may consider to be illogical, petty or even stupid criteria for judging people or that the world is based so much on personal relationships. But that's the way it is, and it's not going to change - at least in the ways we might like - anytime soon, if ever.

We need to deal with the fit between ourselves and the world; if the hole is round, then it's not "hip to be square".

Also check out Ms. Trunk's "Dealing with social awkwardness at work: Insights from the autism community" - especially if you're no longer in school and thus don't automatically have teachers and experts to look after you - and her above-hyperlinked "Social skills matter more than ever, so here's how to get them."

What do you think?

Catch-22

Hello,

StatMom has posted about her young daughter Reese's cruel dilemma: precisely because Reese is able to sit politely at meetings (so far, anyway) and because Reese and StatMom have worked so hard to enable Reese to adapt as much as she has, Reese might not be regarded as autistic. That means she might not get accommodations for the problems she still does have and might always have, such as her great difficulty switching to another task before finishing the previous one. She may even get punished as a result.

StatMom is, understandably, a little miffed. And it's a little nippy in Alaska.

I understand that some people have an image of autists and Aspies as non-verbal, perhaps even spastic, people who can't live on their own or hold a job or even a conversation. Part of that has something to do with media stories about these disabilities. Some of those stories make a point of showing the most extreme versions of these disabilities for dramatic value.

There certainly is something to be said for making people understand that autism and AS are serious conditions with serious consequences. That's like focusing on cancer patients who needed amputations, chemotherapy and frequent radiation treatments, all of which have visible side effects. And people with the most severe forms of any condition need and deserve all the help they can get.

Many other people with cancer suffer quite a lot but it gets noticed - and accommodated - much less. For example, if a cancer patient works hard to make sure her pain does not distract others, she may successfully avoid upsetting others but she can still be in great pain and be unable to pursue many activities.

Even with agonizing and inoperable cancer, a determined enough person can do a wide variety of things. Including serving as a U.S. senator. (Happy Birthday!)

We Aspies and autists are trying to meet NTs at least halfway. We're compromising between our needs and the customs and expectations of a world we will never fully understand. For example, we have limited amounts of energy for socializing, but many of us can do it for clearly defined (non-marathon) intervals, with advance notice. It is not inconsistent on our part to attend, say, a pre-arranged dinner and then leave without going off with some other people elsewhere for dessert - especially if the dessert invitation was on the spur of the moment. Or to attend one party and not another on the same holiday.

Nor is it inconsistent for us to be much better able to hold a conversation one-to-one than in a small group. Or to be much easier to get along with when we're fully rested than if, for whatever reason, we've been running on insufficient sleep. (It is our responsibility to get enough sleep whenever possible in that case, though.)

Or to be a Nobel Prize-winning economist and still behave differently from others and sometimes find accommodations helpful.

And it's more than time for us to put aside the garbage about "Why can't you do A as well as everyone else...you're so smart with X, Y and Z!" For example, we all know that one can fail one's college entrance exams as a whole even while getting high marks in Math and Physics...and still be no dummy. Aspies often have special talents, such as a keen eye for detail, the ability to focus and even sometimes good verbal skills. That doesn't mean we don't need help in other areas.

If we face an "all or nothing" choice, if our meeting NTs halfway means they think we can go the rest of the way just fine, if our reward for busting our butts and pushing back the frontiers of our comfort zones is disregard for the issues that remain, if our hard work to conform whenever we can means we get blamed and punished whenever we can't, with our good behavior all those other times being Exhibits A-E against us - "Obviously, you do know better...." - well, how would you respond in our place?

What do you think?

PS: If any of Reese's school administrators happen to read this: You would be well advised to give her the help she needs. StatMom has triumphed over much more than problems at her children's schools, more than she's even discussed in her blog. She will hang anyone out to dry who puts her children in impossible situations.