On Alert!

Here's another example of why we need to be alert to how our actions could reasonably look to others. (Especially if you're male and the other person is female.)

Just because we're only intending to flirt or compliment someone, doesn't mean she's not going to worry about something much, much worse.

(Btw, the language at this blog is not entirely SFW.)

What Will They Think Of Next?

Hello,

You may recall that sometime back I mused on the possibility that people could pre-write text messages to send to their loved ones and others in case their plane was about to crash or a similar disaster was about to strike.

Well, thanks to Occupy Wall Street, we've now got an Android app which, while intended for a slightly different scenario, should do the job here.

What next?

Put It In Writing

One way I like to handle serious situations - especially if they can go negative - is putting things in writing - especially email. Written interactions are, well, documented and one can go back later on and reread what was said instead of trying to remember it.

Besides that, though, I find I can much better express myself sometimes if I can take the time to craft what I'm saying. I can type something, see how it looks on the screen, try something different, move this paragraph this way, split this other paragraph and so forth. I can also take the time to read what the other person has said and figure out which interpretations make sense.

This especially helps because (1) we Aspies take time to process things and (2) we're better off when we can focus on one thing such as writing, as opposed to multiple things at once such as words, tone of voice, gestures, body language, etc.

Unlike, say, with many tests, the first response is often not the correct one, and it can take a little thought to discern just what the other person really meant.

I've learned to understand people, and in turn make myself better understood, face to face. And especially in heated situations with people I know well, we can cool things down sometimes by switching to email.

Feelings Have Consequences

Sometimes what we say and do really matters even when the other person knows otherwise on a rational level.

In salary and other negotiations, suggesting a number will often influence the final deal. That's known as anchoring.

For example, in a simulation, people applied for jobs as administrative assistants and said that their last salary was $29,000 - which often guides the final pay offer. Some applicants joking said they wanted to earn $100,000, while others didn't. The ones who made that joke were offered an average of $35,385 - 9% higher than the average of $32,463 among those who didn't.

Even when the employer rationally knew that $100,000 was so unrealistic that the applicant must have been joking, that number implanted a feeling in the employer's head to focus on high numbers. The employer may have expected that the first set of applicants, while joking about the specific $100,000 figure, would still require higher salaries to come on board. In other words, the employer's feelings went well beyond the objective meaning of the numbers, and shaped their behavior.

When dealing with people, we need to focus on their feelings, not just the facts. In a conflict, feelings often win.

Appearance Is Worth a Thousand Words

Last week, I took a trip back to Long Island, land of my upbringing, to reconnect with a few people. Including a lady - I'll call her Felice - whom I went to high school with, and the very next time either of us contacted the other was last November (Hint: Rhymes with "Pace Nook").

By prearrangement, I stopped by her family business, and there she was - together with her mother. We introduced ourselves, then got to talking. Felice's mother mentioned wanting to retire soon, and given how young she looked, I remarked that it must be early retirement since she looked like she was in her mid-40s (which she does, at least to me). She laughed and pointed out that if so she must have been two when she had Felice.

Good point. Of course I should have kept that in mind, especially since Felice and I have already crossed the 40 mark ourselves. Thing is, Felice herself could pass for 30 if not younger IMHO. While I knew as a matter of objective fact how old Felice was and thus how old her mother would have to be at a bare minimum, I saw something quite different. And my thinking brain went with appearances, not facts...even though as an Aspie I'm supposed to be wired to pay even more attention than average to the latter.

Maybe I'm just rationalizing my forgetting a detail in the midst of a conversation. And maybe this is an illustration of how NTs so often think and act: By gut reaction based on what they see and hear, sometimes putting aside the statistics.

Something to think about when trying to make a good impression and otherwise persuade people.

Conversational Gambit

Last night...

Emily: How do I look?

Your Humble Servant: OK.

Emily: Just OK???

YHS: *facepalm*

YHS: Well yes, because you normally look very good. So I'm just saying everything is normal. If looking very good weren't the norm for you, then it'd be special enough to specifically mention.

Emily: *smiles*

(And yes, she OK'd my posting that.)

You have just finished Building Common Ground's 200th Post - congratulations and thank you for reading with us this far!

Land of Pork and Honey

Emily and I recently visited Annie's again - we both like the food and the surroundings, albeit in different ways...she enjoys the crabs and the view of the water (let's just say the fish are as fresh as fish can be), whereas I dig the pork and the decor (especially the pink).

The waitress kept calling me "hon". A bit irritating, but I understand where waitresses are coming from. Especially since this area (Maryland's Eastern Shore) is semi-rural like Ocean City even if Annie's is higher-class than many Ocean City places.

So when I paid the check (with a 20+% tip), I told her "It's nice of you to call me hon. Please, just call me Jeff. I appreciate your efforts to make everyone here feel welcome."

And she smiled.

Wisdom Comes Where You Find It

Yesterday, I found out about a job fair at Fort Meade in central Maryland coming up Wednesday. Since I planned to post about it anyway, I decided to check out the announcement. Many of the employers' names were in red and were preceded by red * marks. Given the location of this job fair, the likely clientele and the types of employers, I guessed that the markings indicated that applicants to those firms need security clearances.

(Job-hunting hint: Even if a firm says that they also welcome those who can qualify for security clearances, applicants who already have them enjoy a major advantage. Government agencies may be more willing to sponsor employees to get clearances. All of the above refers to U.S. employers.)

(Job-hunting hint#2: This fair is during the day, so the employers are much more likely to at least consider unemployed people.)

Curious, I called the listed contact person, Jerome Duncan.

Jerome: Oh, that means that's for applicants with security clearances only. It says so at the top of the page.

Jeff: That's good to know. You see, the online announcement, at least, doesn't have that information so I really appreciate your telling me.

Jerome: It certainly should say that - let me take a look.

[Pause]

Jerome: I'm going to have to let them know about this right away. Thank you very much for telling me.

Jeff: Thank you kindly, I appreciate your help.

Jerome: Thank you for giving me a heads-up!

All too many people get so defensive when people point out issues. Even if it's something their co-workers may have messed up, not they themselves, lots of folks shoot the proverbial messenger. So let me be the first to congratulate Jerome Duncan on being open to the facts. Keep up the good work!

Excellent Guide for Management - Self and Other

Right after Labor Day, Robert Sutton - Stanford Business School professor and author of The No A**hole Rule (slightly NSFW - guess why?) - is coming out with Good Boss, Bad Boss: How to Be the Best...and Learn from the Worst (SFW; book itself rated PG). Professor Sutton was kind enough to send me a free advance copy.

Professor Sutton is also the father of an Aspie, and while AS is not the focus of either of his books, he has created something that all Aspies - at least those who hope to get and keep steady jobs, maybe even management jobs - should hearken to. (And there's plenty here for NTs too.)

First off, there's lots of practical, specific advice, from nitty-gritty tips like "Cross your arms when you talk" and "Try a little flash of anger now and then" (complete with a strong warning not to go overboard with these things) to principles protecting your workers from outsiders' troublesome demands (not a redundancy) to how to deliver an effective apology.

That last forms part of one of the most important elements of Sutton's whole work: A good boss must enable - even welcome and encourage - professional challenges from subordinates. We're not talking one-upmanship, but rather making sure that subordinates who are right are willing and able to inform bosses - and colleagues - who may be mistaken.

That means subordinates - and other stakeholders such as stockholders, customers and the general public - need to understand that the boss not only can be wrong (that's obvious enough) but also knows and accepts that s/he can be wrong. And in turn, that while the boss knows s/he can be wrong, s/he does not know just when that will be or how it can be and thus needs appropriate warnings to head off mistakes, if not disaster.

Effective apologies help reinforce that idea. So does following Sutton's advice - for which he elsewhere credits Karl Weick - to fight as though you are right...and listen as though you are wrong.

Also, Sutton shows us not only why we should not shirk the dirty work, including disciplining and firing people when necessary, but also how to do it well, especially with maximum consideration for those who are hurt.

We Aspies know very well that many people, including colleagues and even bosses, can be mistaken and need correcting. We pride ourselves on, among other things, our honesty, creative approaches to problems, love for truth and understanding of the facts without fear or favor. If and when we become bosses - which IMHO can be understood to include parents - we need to walk the walk, and encourage subordinates to correct both us and one another safely.

In turn, Sutton shows us that it's not just a matter of saying "OK, speak your minds!" He reminds us that our subordinates, like everyone else, are creatures of emotion and ego as well as logic and facts. Therefore, he shows us in detail how to both make subordinates comfortable about correcting the boss, and also manage creative conflicts among subordinates.

Among other things, we must never forget that most people have suffered bosses and colleagues who shot the proverbial messenger, so we need to inspire trust and loyalty. For example, we must not be so intent on correcting anyone we think is wrong that we smother those very impulses in people who depend on our approval.

Even for those of us who are not bosses, this is an excellent self-management guide. No one needs to be a boss to be able to apologize, link talk and action, or encourage others to approach us with bad news. To the contrary, these skills will help us become better workers, better (and happier) people...and stronger candidates for promotion.

We pride ourselves on our acid minds and talk, which cuts through surface alloys to reveal the core. Acid is a vital component of many industrial processes. Another vital component of those processes is protective measures like goggles, emergency hoses and showers for washing people who have gotten hit, regular inspection and maintenance of machinery and strict work rules. Without these things we could not safely handle acid, and thus would generally do without it.

In a nutshell, Sutton's work both channels our greatest gifts and challenges us to develop our more dormant competencies, particularly in human relations, without which our gifts will never - and arguably should never - see the light of day.

Drill, Baby, Drill!

On Tuesday, a British Airways flight over the North Sea made an erroneous announcement that the plane may soon crash into the water. The pilots quickly corrected it, but not before passengers panicked.

Am I the only person who thinks we should have disaster drills on plans and perhaps other vehicles like trains and buses, just as schools, dorms and workplaces have fire and other drills? I wonder if, once passengers have prepared themselves for likely announcements of, say, likely imminent crashes, we'll make a habit of knowing what to do (eg, go for the life jacket, put it on and then inflate it, or maybe grab and apply the oxygen mask) and therefore not panic so much and more likely survive.

Also, what if we have reason to believe the end is near, and it would be our last chance to use our cell phones and we probably wouldn't want to take even a full minute or two in a true emergency? (Not to mention once you hit the water or likely even the ground your cell phone may get lost or destroyed.)

Perhaps it would be nice to prepare by typing and saving an appropriate text message, such as "PLANE ABOUT TO CRASH - I LOVE YOU AND WILL WAIT FOR YOU IN HEAVEN" (or maybe "PLANE ABOUT TO CRASH - I LOVE YOU AND DON'T FORGET MY WILL IS IN THE SAFE DEPOSIT BOX" - whatever your beliefs dictate), that you could pull up and then send with a touch of a key or two.

That way you'll save as much time as possible for putting on the life jacket or oxygen mask, and make it as likely as possible you'll stay alive and be able to give good news later - while if worse comes to worst you can die in peace knowing you said your last goodbyes.

Or might such a text message pose serious problems?

What do you think?

PS: More out with the old, in with the new - this is my first blog post using Google Chrome. Given who owns Blogpost, last time I checked, it seems only fitting.

PPS: On this day, 23 years ago, I went away to college for the first time, at American University.

UPDATE: We now have an Android app that - while intended for a somewhat different situation - will do the job for a possible plane crash!

The Golden Rule, Revised

Saucy Vixen, a married lawyer, gives us an example of a common rule which we Aspies should adapt to our situation:

Treat others the way you would want to be treated.
I want people to be straight up and honest with me. If I ask, "Do these pants make me look fat?" and they actually do, in fact, make me look fat, I damned well wanna know about it. I want people to treat me respectfully, sure, but I don't want them to pussyfoot around like a bunch of waffling [Milquetoasts]. I'd rather someone be bitchy than be superficially sweet and friendly -- at least those who are bitchy have a little edge, a little depth.

[However, i]f I treated people the way I want to be treated, I would have no friends. I'm more abrasive than most folks; an acquired taste. I understand that, which is why I treat people the way they want to be treated, not the way I might want to be treated if in the same situation.

All emphases in original.

In other words, the Golden Rule sometimes assumes we have much the same desires as others. When on the other hand we want something very different, such as blunt feedback, we need to understand the Golden Rule in terms of its ultimate purpose: act toward others in ways they will appreciate. We need to understand and accept when someone wants, or most people want, what's different from what we would want.

That's particularly difficult for Aspies, because due to our rigidity of thought - and often action - that sometimes doesn't even occur to us. We unfortunately tend to both look at our worldview as the only possible one, and to look at rules as things to follow slavishly to the letter - not the spirit.

What do you think?

Matthew 5:37 Comes to Mind....

Jackie Gleason gave a (SFW) "60 Minutes" interview summing up his career, just a couple of years before he died.

In this segment (the second of three), Gleason discusses among other things "You're in the Picture" - a TV show he hosted that, well, seemed like a good idea at the time. To everyone except the audience, anyway.

So the following week he got on and apologized to everyone out there in TV land for the awful show.

When the interviewer asked Gleason how the show could have seen the light of day, he replied (c 6:00 in this clip):

Because there are executives who have a great talent, and that talent is to say yes that sounds like no or no that sounds like yes - so they continue in their jobs because they have this great talent.

(As for why The Great One himself had gone along with it, he suggested the possibility of SOWI [Signing Off While Intoxicated].)




H/T: Emily, who loves the Irish stars.

Dishing Out Subtlety

Hello,

Emily and I just got back from a 25-hour vacation* to Ocean City, Maryland - a family-oriented seashore vacation area.

After we finished breakfast, I left our cash tip on the table. Emily asked me to put it under the lip of her dish, which confused me just a tad. After all, the dish would cover maybe one-fifth of the tip (which was paper), so the money would be out in plain sight anyway. Being a thoughtful well-trained husband, I put it under the lip of the dish.

When I asked her what good she thought it would do, she said it would be more subtle.

That's like much of what NTs do that I have difficulty understanding: If something is going to be obvious one way or the other, what's gained by doing it more "subtlely"?

What do you think?

[*] We pulled out of our parking spot at home just after 5pm yesterday; we opened our front door again just before 6pm today.

Good Citizen-Police Relations

Chris Rock at his best.

Funny, blunt, non-PC and definitely NSFW.

When You Can't Do What the Customer Asks...

At the hardware store today:

Yours truly: Could you please copy this key?

Counterperson - after examining key and looking at a key blank: See how this key doesn't have the same thickness as this blank?

Hmmm...I didn't specifically ask him to use that particular blank, just to duplicate the key. Is he going to need to alter that blank, or use some other blank, or even order a new blank?

Yours truly: How can you duplicate the key I just gave you?

Counterperson: That's what I'm trying to tell you...this key doesn't fit this blank.

Irritation factor growing...I'm not asking him specifically about that blank. All I give a blast about is his duplicating the key, something I've never had an issue with each time I've visited a hardware store.

Yours truly: Can you duplicate that key?

Counterperson: This blank won't fit!

Yours truly: Can you duplicate that key - yes or no?

Counterperson: No.

Yours truly, taking the key from his outstretched and open hand: Thank you - have a good day.

Exit stage right.

For any service folks who may be reading this:

Pretty much by definition, you know much more than your customer about the situation. Your customer generally does not give a rat's whisker about the technical details of the job. The requested results either happen or they don't.

If you launch into a complex explanation without saying "Yes" or "No," I'm going to assume that the situation is negotiable provided that the issues you explain can be dealt with. And I'm likely to think of a couple of ways to handle those issues. We Aspies tend to think outside the box. (Some NTs have been known to do the same - stranger things have happened. :-})

Could your customer be mistaken about what's practicable? Quite possibly - see above. You know the situation better than s/he - even if s/he does understand the jargon specialized terminology you use to describe the matter (which isn't always the case).

If the situation is non-negotiable, please say that from the beginning and save us both a bit of time, energy and possibly stomach lining. Once you've made the situation clear, which shouldn't take more than a few words, feel free to launch into your explanation if it's called for.

(Similarly, if you want to suggest an alternative, feel free to do that - after telling the customer that his/her first choice is not possible for whatever reason. Then, s/he will know why you're suggesting the second choice and may be in a better mind to focus on it.)

What do you think?

The Stand of the Not-So-Light Brigade: Someone had blunder'd

By the spring of 1951, both sides of the Korean War - the United Nations (mainly the United States and South Korea) and the Communist forces (China and North Korea) had taken each other's measure. After the UN had driven Kim Il Sung's Communist regime - which had attacked South Korea - entirely out of North Korea, massive Chinese armies attacked across the Yalu River and drove the UN back. UN counteroffensives against overextended supply lines serving outgunned and outskilled (if far from outnumbered) Chinese forces prevented Mao Tse-tung from himself unifying Korea.

By Spring 1951, it had become clear that a northern Communist regime and a southern pro-Western regime would continue to "share" the Korean peninsula - the main issue was where their border would be drawn.

On April 22, 1951, around the 38th Parallel (the pre-war boundary) in Korea, the Chinese forces began their offensive to recapture Seoul, the South Korean capital, among other things. In fact, three divisions of the Chinese 63rd Army attacked across the Imjin River, just north of Seoul. On the other side: the British 29th Brigade, commanded by Brigadier Tom Brodie.

Outnumbered, the British could not hold their positions, and Brigadier Brodie asked his superiors, the American commanders of I Corps, for help and/or permission to withdraw. He got very little of the former (no artillery support at all - and the 29th Brigade had inadequate artillery - no close air support on the first day and little thereafter) and none of the latter. The brigade was shattered - in four days of fighting taking 1,091 casualties, possibly 25% of its strength right before the battle.

Did the Americans understand the British 29th Brigade's desperate plight? The British had radios and could communicate the situation...or could they?

As historian Max Hastings points out in his book The Korean War, p. 218, quoting a British officer on the scene:

When Tom told Corps that his position was 'a bit sticky,' they simply did not grasp that in British Army parlance, that meant 'critical'.

In other words, the British Army suffered a stinging defeat, including hundreds of crack British troops trudging into Communist prison camps, because the British couldn't express themselves clearly and/or the Americans couldn't take a hint.

Epilogue: After the battle the British incorporated the 29th Brigade into a new Commonwealth Division - so that British commanders would be much less dependent on communicating with American superiors.

More than One Way to Soothe the Savage Beast

One of my loyal readers, a professional music therapist, wonders why not everyone can express or sense emotions well through music.

Music is a very special way of expressing emotions - that's why we have music therapists, among other specialists. Some people can much better learn to communicate with the world and handle their own feelings through music than through, say, explaining things or exercising. In fact, there's a specific part of the brain - the temporal lobes - which handles music. (It also works with memory, which may help explain why putting things to music can help people remember them better. It also explains why so many ads have those annoying jingles that re-appear in our minds at the most annoying times.)

By definition, Aspies' and autists' brains work very differently from NTs'. And that's especially true for communications - we don't get our points across, or understand other people, quite the same way that NTs do. For example, we tend to have great difficulty using hints and euphemisms or understanding them when others use them. In fact, sometimes people call us "tone-deaf" in that regard.

That's a good metaphor. Music is another way of communicating, which some but not all Aspies use well. (In fact, my experience is that some Aspies excel in the arts and others in math and science. I'm one of the latter. I haven't taken a single art course since junior high school, because starting in high school art was purely optional.)

I can "tease out" the meaning of, say, an official form or a set of numbers a heckuva lot better than of a song. Among other things, that's why I do Emily's and my income taxes and I keep an eye on our finances. On the other hand, if our pay stubs were set to music and burned on DVDs, and if I had to submit our tax returns via music video (on YouTube maybe?), things would be more difficult.

Trust me, we've got emotions just like everyone else. We tend to express and understand them in our own ways.

What do you think?