Ten years ago today, I returned from Beijing, where I'd taught for the fall and winter. (The food is great, but don't drink the water and don't breathe the air! And do bring your rain and winter gear.)
This was the first full-time job I'd ever had that required so much as a college degree. And I fouled it up seriously...I only realized how seriously in the weeks and months to come.
In the year 2000, I first learned how much my personality problems could cost me. Suffice it to say for now that it eventually became clear I would probably never again work full-time in the field I had studied (Economics).
I tried to come to terms with why - and how - I was having so much difficulty getting along with people and why I kept getting rejected, especially in jobs. Not knowing (as opposed to conjecturing based on projecting my own motivations) just how most people actually operate, I worked from a very bad map...and my efforts to make the terrain conform to the map of course came to nothing.
Only three years later, when Emily first told me about AS, did I have any idea that I was in effect trying to drive an English car (with the steering wheel on the right-hand side, made for driving on the left side of the road) on American roads (where you drive in cars with steering wheels on the left-hand side, on the right side of the road).
AS destroys relationships in such a way that the Aspie - without already knowing s/he is one - does not know what's going on or even that s/he sees the world very differently from others. Other people, frustrated at his/her seeming inability to empathize with others, to "get" things without being told or to use tact, blow up at the Aspie and accuse him/her of being lazy, rude, even sociopathic. Meanwhile, since the Aspies doesn't know what is going on, and only sees people blowing up with little apparent (to him/her) rhyme or reason, may come to think the world is a hostile place, full of irrational people.
Knowing and acknowledging, at first to yourself, that you're an Aspie is the all-important first step to reversing this vicious pattern.
What do you think?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Doctor Is In
Eleven years ago today, my doctorate was officially conferred.
It's one of my two most important accomplishments in graduate school - Emily's the other one.
Cheers!
It's one of my two most important accomplishments in graduate school - Emily's the other one.
Cheers!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Another One Who Tells It Like It Is
Rory Miller's also done some thinking about how to stay safe. And this guy knows what he's talking about.
He's putting out another book this year, on self-defense - not so much karate-chopping the other guy into submission as doing whatever it takes to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. As he makes clear, there's one thing even better than presence of mind in a fight: Absence of body.
It's very hard to be beaten, robbed, kidnapped, raped or murdered if you're not there. It's also very hard to get hurt in a fight if none starts. (On the other hand, if one does start...win or lose the odds are you will get hurt, maybe badly.)
Avoiding violence boils down to two things: recognizing threats in time to move away, and not provoking people into becoming threats to you. Many people - but especially Aspies - can use some help in both these areas.
Mr. Miller has posted a nuts-and-bolts excerpt of his forthcoming book, covering some ways of recognizing and staying out of trouble. It includes:
When you are or believe yourself to be on dangerous and alien ground, keep your mouth shut. This is hard for some people. I can’t help but think that if you don’t have the common sense to keep your mouth shut, or you believe that your opinions and insight are so precious that everyone wants to hear them, that you probably will suck at avoiding conflict and shouldn’t breed anyway.
[...]
I don’t give a damn about your self-esteem. The purpose of this book is to give you a few hints on staying alive or, if you teach self-defense, some critical information you can pass on to your students. The world is not about you. Everything that you know about right and wrong is context dependent. If you go to a place that is outside your context and demand that they treat you by your rules in their world, not only might you get killed, but you will be killed for being a whiny child demanding special treatment. If this is you, grow the hell up.
You want PC? Here you go: Practical Conflict-avoidance.
What do you think?
He's putting out another book this year, on self-defense - not so much karate-chopping the other guy into submission as doing whatever it takes to keep yourself and your loved ones safe. As he makes clear, there's one thing even better than presence of mind in a fight: Absence of body.
It's very hard to be beaten, robbed, kidnapped, raped or murdered if you're not there. It's also very hard to get hurt in a fight if none starts. (On the other hand, if one does start...win or lose the odds are you will get hurt, maybe badly.)
Avoiding violence boils down to two things: recognizing threats in time to move away, and not provoking people into becoming threats to you. Many people - but especially Aspies - can use some help in both these areas.
Mr. Miller has posted a nuts-and-bolts excerpt of his forthcoming book, covering some ways of recognizing and staying out of trouble. It includes:
When you are or believe yourself to be on dangerous and alien ground, keep your mouth shut. This is hard for some people. I can’t help but think that if you don’t have the common sense to keep your mouth shut, or you believe that your opinions and insight are so precious that everyone wants to hear them, that you probably will suck at avoiding conflict and shouldn’t breed anyway.
[...]
I don’t give a damn about your self-esteem. The purpose of this book is to give you a few hints on staying alive or, if you teach self-defense, some critical information you can pass on to your students. The world is not about you. Everything that you know about right and wrong is context dependent. If you go to a place that is outside your context and demand that they treat you by your rules in their world, not only might you get killed, but you will be killed for being a whiny child demanding special treatment. If this is you, grow the hell up.
You want PC? Here you go: Practical Conflict-avoidance.
What do you think?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
AS and Loneliness
Hello,
Starting tomorrow, PBS will begin a three-part series, "This Emotional Life," about certain emotional and mental health issues. Among other topics, the series will profile Jason Ross, a 29-year-old Aspie, as he discusses his challenges connecting with others.
This clip (which is SFW) presents Mr. Ross' AS as a disability, especially insofar as it makes him lonely. According to social psychologist Dr. John Cacioppo, loneliness is as unhealthy as smoking!
What do you think?
H/T: J. Willardston Smith.
Starting tomorrow, PBS will begin a three-part series, "This Emotional Life," about certain emotional and mental health issues. Among other topics, the series will profile Jason Ross, a 29-year-old Aspie, as he discusses his challenges connecting with others.
This clip (which is SFW) presents Mr. Ross' AS as a disability, especially insofar as it makes him lonely. According to social psychologist Dr. John Cacioppo, loneliness is as unhealthy as smoking!
What do you think?
H/T: J. Willardston Smith.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Century Post
Hello,
This is my 100th post!
Speaking of approachability, Emily had an interesting experience yesterday evening. After she left the office, a veteran approached her and asked for help, saying that his appointment for that day had been rescheduled at the last minute and he had missed the last bus back to a very distant suburb. He told Emily "You don't seem snobby." So now she's wondering: "Does that mean I don't dress as well as I could?"
Interesting points by Corrin, Mama Edge and Mama Coyote - mothers all! - about approachability and competence. Funnily enough, I'm most often approached when I'd prefer to be left alone. I might have given off an air of "People keep coming to me for help," and of course people like to follow the crowd. They figure if so many others turn to you for help, they must know something.
And when you seem exclusive, that often makes people want your attention more. Don't take my word for it - let two of the world's greatest entertainers show you how to, well, bedazzle people. (Short video clip; SFW)
On the other hand, when you feel and act desperate, you most often don't get anything (except maybe a little peace and quiet).
Mama Edge, maybe your dad could walk around offering free health screenings to everyone within range. Then people may just give him a wide berth.
Happy New Year!
PS: Be safe - don't drink and drive. If you're in the Washington, DC metropolitan area tonight or New Year's Eve (10pm-6am), your designated driver plans fell through, you're 21+ and not sure if you're safe to drive, call (800) 200-TAXI/8294 (or #TAXI/8294 from an AT&T cell phone). You'll get a cab ride home, and the first $50 of the fare will be covered. (Tip not included.) Find out more.
(In other parts of the U.S., Google "sober ride" and your city - you may be able to take advantage of a similar program.)
This is my 100th post!
Speaking of approachability, Emily had an interesting experience yesterday evening. After she left the office, a veteran approached her and asked for help, saying that his appointment for that day had been rescheduled at the last minute and he had missed the last bus back to a very distant suburb. He told Emily "You don't seem snobby." So now she's wondering: "Does that mean I don't dress as well as I could?"
Interesting points by Corrin, Mama Edge and Mama Coyote - mothers all! - about approachability and competence. Funnily enough, I'm most often approached when I'd prefer to be left alone. I might have given off an air of "People keep coming to me for help," and of course people like to follow the crowd. They figure if so many others turn to you for help, they must know something.
And when you seem exclusive, that often makes people want your attention more. Don't take my word for it - let two of the world's greatest entertainers show you how to, well, bedazzle people. (Short video clip; SFW)
On the other hand, when you feel and act desperate, you most often don't get anything (except maybe a little peace and quiet).
Mama Edge, maybe your dad could walk around offering free health screenings to everyone within range. Then people may just give him a wide berth.
Happy New Year!
PS: Be safe - don't drink and drive. If you're in the Washington, DC metropolitan area tonight or New Year's Eve (10pm-6am), your designated driver plans fell through, you're 21+ and not sure if you're safe to drive, call (800) 200-TAXI/8294 (or #TAXI/8294 from an AT&T cell phone). You'll get a cab ride home, and the first $50 of the fare will be covered. (Tip not included.) Find out more.
(In other parts of the U.S., Google "sober ride" and your city - you may be able to take advantage of a similar program.)
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