Monday, August 16, 2010

The Golden Rule, Revised

Saucy Vixen, a married lawyer, gives us an example of a common rule which we Aspies should adapt to our situation:

Treat others the way you would want to be treated.
I want people to be straight up and honest with me. If I ask, "Do these pants make me look fat?" and they actually do, in fact, make me look fat, I damned well wanna know about it. I want people to treat me respectfully, sure, but I don't want them to pussyfoot around like a bunch of waffling [Milquetoasts]. I'd rather someone be bitchy than be superficially sweet and friendly -- at least those who are bitchy have a little edge, a little depth.


[However, i]f I treated people the way I want to be treated, I would have no friends. I'm more abrasive than most folks; an acquired taste. I understand that, which is why I treat people the way they want to be treated, not the way I might want to be treated if in the same situation.

All emphases in original.

In other words, the Golden Rule sometimes assumes we have much the same desires as others. When on the other hand we want something very different, such as blunt feedback, we need to understand the Golden Rule in terms of its ultimate purpose: act toward others in ways they will appreciate. We need to understand and accept when someone wants, or most people want, what's different from what we would want.

That's particularly difficult for Aspies, because due to our rigidity of thought - and often action - that sometimes doesn't even occur to us. We unfortunately tend to both look at our worldview as the only possible one, and to look at rules as things to follow slavishly to the letter - not the spirit.

What do you think?

3 comments:

SaucyVixen said...

You write:

"That's particularly difficult for Aspies, because due to our rigidity of thought - and often action - that sometimes doesn't even occur to us. We unfortunately tend to both look at our worldview as the only possible one, and to look at rules as things to follow slavishly to the letter - not the spirit."

I don't think that an Aspy's approach to the Revised Golden Rule is any different from any "normal" person's approach. This is because people are, by and large, quite selfish and self-centered.

Usually when someone gets his or her feelings hurt it is because the other person has acted in some sort of displeasing way. The offended person is almost certain to say, "Well *I* wouldn't act that way if *I* were in that situation." And that misses the boat completely. It doesn't matter how *you* would have acted when another person acted in a completely different way.

The solution is simple: TELL people what you want. Don't expect folks to be mind-readers. And accept that most folks will make mistakes anyway, and that doesn't make them bad people. Don't change your one world view in order to treat someone appropriately; rather, ask 'em how they'd like to be treated.

This would make life much simpler.

Jeff Deutsch said...

Hello SaucyVixen,

You definitely have a point in that many people do act selfishly and fail to see other people's perspectives.

Many Aspies get in trouble because we act in the same way selfish people do, even when we're not actually being selfish. One of our defining issues is that we have greater than normal difficulty understanding other people's points of view.

(And when we have difficulty making friends, getting dates and being invited to social events, we can get caught in a vicious cycle.)

So, when Aspies give other people the exact same consideration they'd want themselves - especially with something like the example you gave, which the majority of Aspies I know (including me) can relate to - we're being unselfish. But still problematic.

It can be difficult for us even to imagine that another person might reject as rude what we feel is only considerate.

"TELL people what you want. Don't expect folks to be mind-readers. And accept that most folks will make mistakes anyway, and that doesn't make them bad people. Don't change your one world view in order to treat someone appropriately; rather, ask 'em how they'd like to be treated.

"This would make life much simpler."

What she said!

What do you think?

Jeff Deutsch

Mama Coyote said...

Treat people how THEY want to be treated is a wonder revision :)

And don't expect people to be mind-readers is also good. Also, don't expect YOURSELF to be a mind-reader!